I just don't know what to do these days. The feelings I thought were gone for him are constantly rushing back to me the more we talk. I miss him, so much. We're talking again. After everything he did to me my head is telling me to be careful and to do what i can to protect myself. but then there's my heart which is telling me the complete opposite. maybe he's changed. maybe he's not the asshole he was in september. maybe he really wants me back. maybe not. we haven't had the conversation yet. he's in afghanistan and i feel like it's something that i need to wait to talk about until he's home for good and we can talk more often instead of letters or the off chance he's online when i am on. I need to be careful, I know i do. i didn't get any closure with the break up. it was pretty much me changing the relationship status on facebook since he just decided to ignore me and stop talking to me. for absolutely no reason. he was home in sept and things were fine and then he left and decided after 3 years it was ok to just not give me any reason why.
so i know i need to be careful. but he's the one and only guy i've ever loved and i can't picture my life without him in it. it's sad, but it's the truth. i can't help it. any date i go on or guy i meet, i end up feeling sad afterwards because it's not him and it just makes me miss him even more.
i hate how a guy can have so much control over my emotions. I never thought i'd be in this position. i thought after everything he did to me it would be easy to be mad and never want anything to do with him again.
but as i sit here and write this i feel like i'm in a tsunami, it's hardcore raining and crazy winds. this came out of nowhere. and once again i'm finding myself thinking about all the amazing conversations we had when we were dating. and one of our songs was Like The Rain.
you know "like the rain i have fallen for you.." is it ironic that its pouring out right now? i don't know.
the only thing i know, is i can't change my feelings. as much as i know pretty much everyone i know wants me to. I just can't. i love him. and clearly nothing he can do can change that. he can be the biggest asshole douchebag on the planet,and still...my heart would love him.
welcome to my life.
You Peterson girls watch out for each other, okay?? You girls are too good to have to be heartbroken over guys that don't treat you right.
ReplyDeletethanks tracie. i'm just hoping things eventually work out. everything happens for a reason and that's my mindset on everything.
ReplyDeletebut me and annie def watch over each other. that's what twin sisters do :)